Dating is like wine tasting. According to Wine for Dummies, wine tastings are events designed to give enthusiasts the opportunity to sample a range of wines. Just like wine tasting, dating can range from simple to sophisticated. It is most satisfying when done enthusiastically – even if there are some samples that don’t match your palate. Dating is designed so you can sample the wide range of prospects out there. When tasting a new vintage you should make use of all of the senses. First look at it, and then smell it. When dating, a person should be interested in making a good first impression. You should look good and smell good. If something doesn’t look or smell good, don’t go any further. You will not be interested in hearing or touching, let alone tasting. It is not shallow to judge by appearances – the package does matter when it comes to satisfying your sexual and emotional hunger.
According to evolutionary theories, women seek out mates who can be good providers; men seek out women who can reproduce and be good mothers. The theory of mate selection also tells us that men compete for the attention of women and women do the choosing. This is probably how it is supposed to go down. I think men stopped competing a long time ago. I believe that the availability of women – in terms of population and promiscuity – has decreased the need for competition. Men don’t work as hard as they should to get you – because they don’t need to. Now this availability is partly due to the fact that women out number men. But it is also a result of the value that women have placed on themselves – very little. Pussy is a dime a dozen. Despite the ratio of men to women, women could and should make themselves less available. Don’t be so eager to give of yourself physically or emotionally. Slow down…don’t’ chew so fast! Let him work for it. Let him compete for you. Let him “put a ring on it” before you begin those wifely duties.
It is like the law of supply and demand. If a desired commodity is scarce, the demand is high and the price goes up. Consumers have to pay more and/or work harder to get it. So, treat yourself as a fine wine with limited distribution. Make him earn a taste. Now careful, I am not talking about solicitation. I am talking about being deserving of you. Some women are fixing plates, fucking, and financing the whole meal. Acting like a wife, feeding a man all of you, while he is tossing you crumbs. A fuck buddy, a girlfriend, a friend with benefits – that is not a wife.
Think back to the days of hunting and gathering. Remember, men like to hunt. They are aggressive creatures by nature. Women are the gatherers. We like to browse around and take our time picking nuts and fresh berries. Men, on the other hand, want to expose their teeth and dig their claws into the meaty flesh. Men want to feel like they have earned their prey, this is why men love “bitches”. You are worth the effort; don’t be too available. This is when it comes to approaching a man, going out, changing plans, and having sex. Be open, but not wide open.
Again, think wine tasting. When the cork is popped off of a new bottle of wine, the wine first needs to breathe. Don’t be in such a hurry to pour. The first pour is a sip…just enough to catch the aroma and sample the flavor. Then, the wine pours out.
I believe in equal opportunity initiation, but women must be careful when they step to a man. Show him that you are interested, but not too eager. That’s a turnoff (a clear sign of desperation). Be confident, but not too aggressive. Men want assurance that a woman is into him, so let him know that you are interested and open. Not wide open, unless you are hoping for sex in the next two hours. If sex is all that is on the menu, then go ahead take charge. However, if you want something that you both can savor, then encourage him to take his time with this fine wine. Get to know each other. Let him smell, swirl and sip – slowly introduce him to your flavor, and then he will savor it.
What do you see when you look at this fine wine? Good health and emotional stability? Does she take care of herself? Is her esteem on high? Does she have impeccable taste? Clues often come in the first interactions. Be mindful of what you project and perceive.
Personally and clinically, I’m big on personal hygiene and grooming – indicators of how a person tends to and takes care of his or her self. Of course, these are not the only indicators, but they are important when it comes to the first impression. What are the hallmarks? You know, nice teeth, clean nails, fresh breath, and a clean shave (ladies, you too). Anyone interested in dating should do these things, the bare minimum. But, it should also be taken a step further. Ladies, take the time to dress nicely, put on make-up, polish your nails, put on a little smell good etc. Don’t run out in your favorite sweats with a baseball cap on. This look might be okay if you are lounging around the house, but if you are in the market for a man, don’t even run to the corner store in those sweats. Always be ready for an opportunity.
I am not saying put on your Sunday best; this could be just as much of a turn off. He might think that you are high maintenance, desperate, or that you have exquisite and unaffordable taste. Wear something that says who you are: fun, sexy, confident, mysterious, conservative, easy-going, sophisticated.
Whatever the outfit, be your best self.
The same goes for the fella. He also needs to attend to himself if he wants to get chosen. Does he appear successful or stable? Got Swagger? Or is he staying in his mama’s basement? For men, a tailored suit or fancy car might indicate his level of success. You cannot stop there. Looking and smelling, alone, won’t tell you if this fine wine is for you. Ask questions. Take a sip. What do you taste? Reluctance, openness, generosity, kindness, self-centeredness? Is he driving a rental? Is that a weave? Hey, people should get what they ordered, the real deal, no imitation.
Be mindful that you will be on both side of observing eyes, as an observer and as a person who is observed. Early dates are all about getting to know each other, thus requiring mutual disclosure. Be careful that neither of you greedily hog the conversation. Share the experience and learn about one another. It is the sharing that makes this process productive. Pay attention to what he shares, how he answers your inquiries; these words hold valuable information that will help you know if this is part of The Game or if you’ve met someone with whom you can move past games and dig into fine dining.
Hopefully, the person engaged in this tasting with you is being honest about who he is and what he wants. With all the different forms of communication available to us today, there is no reason why a person should have trouble communicating openly and honestly. Face-to face, sign language, text messages, emails, voicemail, snail-mail, telegram, twitter, facebook, skywriting, Morse code … Pick one; any one. Just be honest. Live in reality.
A person must first reside in reality before inviting someone to share in it.
Why would someone be dishonest? Fear, guilt, and shame. Dishonest people don’t know themselves and they do not want to know reality. This makes it hard to get to know them, because a person can’t teach what they don’t know.
What are the red flags? Time together, but you don’t know much about him. They are the guys who tell lies. Get caught up in The Game. When asked very important questions, they give the wrong answers. This throws the recipe all off. Don’t lie when the truth will do. She should decide if she is going to give it up (her body or all of her); and this decision should be an informed one.
Pay attention to your taste buds. Is something a little bit off? Something missing? Too much of something else? Did you request a sweet wine and you got one that is dry, bitter, not wine at all? If it’s going well, you will be able to describe your first knowledge of this wine … and he will be able to describe you. You should walk away feeling like you really know something, even if it’s only a sample of what is to come.
After the sip, there is the swirl, “chew,” and swallow. Keeping in mind the purpose is to decide if this is something you might want to have more of – a glass, a bottle, a case, a cellar’s worth, enough to last a lifetime. Hopefully, talking will awaken a thirst in you. And wouldn’t it be nice to find someone who could, both, quench your thirst and wet your whistle?
After your tasting, if you have decided that you don’t want to invest further in this person, be honest, but kind, and move on. You don’t have any time to waste. It is what it is, and it won’t become something it is not. White wine will not become red wine. Chardonnay will not become Merlot. If you decide that you are interested in another sample, say that too. Say it not only with your words, but also with your actions. There should be cool enthusiasm in your interactions. Call, e-mail, text to say hello, let him know by way of your interactions that you are interested. But don’t be a stalker. Don’t make yourself too available. Don’t appear desperate. Remember: cool enthusiasm. Fine wine is not for gulping. Savor the sips, taking note of whether or not your palate desires more. Continue to take your time as you have this glass of fine wine before dinner.